Spammers Need (Editing) Love, Too
After deleting my 14th spam email about reigniting the spark in my love life; how I can get more Web traffic; and all the money that’s waiting for me in a Nigerian bank account, a figurative light bulb bounced up in my MacBook Pro’s dock.
Maybe one of the ways we could de-stigmatize spam emails is if they were edited by a professional team. Between being written in massacred English and deployed via non-html’d, eyesore email formatting, let’s face it, they could use a revamp. And what are editors for, anyway, than to step in when comma emergencies and the like rear their ugly heads?!
Case study #1:
So, no… spellcheck doesn’t work on subject lines, which is why my first order of business would be to earmark the quality assurance of those ino — uh, I mean, into — someone’s workflow. And, trust me, Mr./Mrs. Canadian *** Pharmacy client, that Inline typo would have never gotten past someone on my staff!
Case study #2:
First up, it doesn’t take a marketing rocket scientist to tell you that this one needs a more compelling subject line (and some capitalization). And, where is the comma after the salutation? Also, though we suspect the underscores-in-place-of-apostrophes may be technical glitches, those are still typos. Take this one up a notch by mixing in a designer to spice up the pitch’s presentation, especially since there’s no explanation about the company’s name, success rate, nor why this one’s coming from a general gmail account. A good-looking, well-written email may let those missing key features slip by.
Case study #3
An editor looking at this type of email — one that actually spells good “gud” — can be likened to an orthodontist looking into a mouthful of crooked teeth. We see “college education for our kids” if we’re able to let loose with our services (and the subsequent bill). How we’d start off this editorial surgery is by approaching the client very, very slowly: What is it you wish to convey? If you wish to draw someone into your “attraction” site, the best approach would begin with the correct spelling of flattering adjectives.
Case study #4 (saving the best for last): 
Where do I start? Reviewing this post, my eyes (and my red pen) are bleeding. Those yellow highlighted areas, as you can see, merely touch the surface of what is, quite honestly, one of the most poorly-written emails I’ve ever seen. Take this one into MS Word with “Tracking On,” and you’re sure to have something that more closely resembles a football playbook than a written plea about some poor, deceased family with “Twenty Two Million, Three Hundred Thousand United States dollars” to offer you. Put a good writer/editor duo on this account, though, and you may be able to dupe more than just some naive Internet newbies. Maybe make them cry for poor Mr. Francois, even.
There are plenty of opportunities where these came from, which leads me to my final thought: Spammers — an untapped market for editorial consultants?
(No worries, I am biting my grammatically-correct tongue…!)
Hi, I'm Gina, the girl behind 
February 10th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I too cringe when I read (because sometimes I do take the time to read them) spam emails that have typo after grammatical error, after run on sentence.
I am actually thinking if we spam them back with a proposal that promised a better ROI with a little of our editing, they might just bite!
Sign me up for the team! And welcome back to your blog. It missed you.
February 10th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Gina- This is hysterical! I am no editor, mind you, but I do find it extremely irritating to get these spammers emails and do not understand why they don’t proof read??? Do people actually respond to them? I have had over 8,345 great aunts, heirs to the royal kingdom, and people who want to give me a portion of their heritance contact me and that is not including all the emails on website results, online perscriptions, and “Mr. Right is waiting for you” emails. This post made me laugh though! Good one.
PS – Hope there are no really bad errors in my comment!
February 11th, 2009 at 2:23 am
Gina,
This is brilliance. More entertaining than those heart-stopping, catastrophe home videos on Real TV.
February 11th, 2009 at 4:33 am
I have spam usually tamed. After 800 spams, I decided to crack down and set my inbox rules. I have so many rules set that it is like looking at a disfigured novella.
Some of those spam emails are also sent through regular mail. There are even false checks too. You cash it and send the money they ask. In return, you would receive more money. Just fun and fraudulent. I remember a lady at the library once asked me (after the librarian pointed me out as an internet savvy person) about the ordeal and showed me her letter and the false check. I told her to file a report with the police and Interpol. I also assured her the check was false and most likely would not even cash out as the MICR was pretty bad and the paper had no watermark.
February 12th, 2009 at 12:18 am
Great post Gina!
I am laughing so hard. For me, the 1st and best way to spot spam is exactly what you said… the grammar! It is far worse than any menu in my local “non-english but trying to speak it” restaurant and it always amazes me to think there are people who actually click “yes”.
Thanks for keeping it real and for a daily giggle.
Best,
Roberta
February 13th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Wow Gina,
I must admit I have been thinking of writing such a post for a while but I am SO glad you took the initiative and wrote this post. Applause all around. I have even noticed really spammy twitters with tons of spelling mistakes in their profile (a quick way to know — if they cannot spell marketing, they are not a marketing specialist, LOL). Now if my Mail app program on my MAC could learn grammar, I would never have any spam again. I am a personal fan of the many Viagra, money begging, eBay, and PayPal emails that cannot get more than three words in a row to make sense. Wonderful post!
February 13th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
It’s amazing to me how many of you feel the same way. I tell ya — it’s not rocket science… if these spammers just take a note, they’d SO improve their conversions, I bet. LMAO. Thanks for the comments! Keep ‘em coming!